hot heat

sometimes when it’s hot it feels really… really exciting. it’s different from the excitement you feel from a storm, or a dark windy day, which is something you don’t know what to do with.

i am learning how to meditate, this will mean that i will learn to control myself. i know a way to help my feelings, if i force myself to listen to music a lot, which i am usually a bit afraid to do. this will help. don’t be a coward.

don’t avoid.

“I suppose i was still half asleep, but through the kitchen window, that hadn’t had a blind, it seemed to me the dark was staring in, spying.”

i love my friends. i love the people close to me.

and then

things are changing, everything is changing. people are changing and it’s clear when things don’t fit because you know when you’ve changed in a different way.

remember

i really wish i bothered to write down my dreams and write down things that happen during the day. i feel anxious that i haven’t recorded things that have been happening for the past few years. i really want to do this but for  some reason i don’t. i want to remember what happens but is there a point, so much is happening in the world at the same time is it a waste of time and useless. probably because if someone read it and found it, i would always write to be in case of that situation. so i wouldn’t really be writing honestly, like now, i’m very conscious of people reading this.

the best way to stop being a glutton is to go a day of fasting. it feels monastic!

p

i love croissants

so tasty and soft and shiny and brown, it’s the best when they’re soft inside and crispy on the outside

the way they look is like a promise of how they’ll taste for when they go into your mouth

buttered toast is also really good

today has a lot of promise

here is something

i have these sore spots on my lips like the ones you get when you smile in your sleep but your lips are dry so it cracks. i keep licking over them because they taste warm and savoury, like the taste of iron or something like that.

it’s hard to make something out of nothing. lately i am learning how to control my thoughts and feelings, so that  i can be calm and think about things with focus and purpose. it’s getting better i guess, but it’s hard not to be too pleased with yourself and then all the progress is immediately undone. i remember that’s one of the important things to keep in mind from some writings a man gave me who taught meditation. i’m not sure about interacting with people yet, that will take a while to be how i think it should be. acting so boisterous but accidently cold to keep conversation and happy feelings going. but i’m not sad about it, and i know most people feel fake, it’s just something i want to change. i want to be a good friend. how are you?

(goodnight)